A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
