The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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