This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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