You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
