Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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