I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We're too hungover to prance.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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