Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize