My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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