Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
