Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
