I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
