She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
