it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
