theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize