I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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