I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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