Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
