found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
