The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
