Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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