ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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