last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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