If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I want to have your abortion
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
