You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
barbara walters just said penis...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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