My liver just broke up with me...
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
