thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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