I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
