I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
