Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I need to align my fucking chakras
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
