we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
