I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
