so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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