Have you finally orgasmed yet?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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