If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
