I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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