I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
