so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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