She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
