I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
