Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
