Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
