i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
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