even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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