I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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