wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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