if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
