Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
