If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
