I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
