Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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