i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
