Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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