I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
