on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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