guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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