I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
If I die, sorry about rent.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
