seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
