it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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