I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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