Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
