I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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