If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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