Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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