I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
