We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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