just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
