Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Randomize
