After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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