At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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