Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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