You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
