the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
