I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
zippers are such a cool invention
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
